3. Your Living Nightmare

BACKSTORY 

I've had trouble sleeping ever since I can remember. As a child, I was afraid of darkness, so it was very hard for me to fall asleep, and it would take me hours to finally get to do so. I recall that, once, I thought I saw someone staring at me from the hallway, so I let out a scream so loud that it woke my parents and my sister up in the middle of the night. After that, I would have constant and recurrent nightmares about it, so I slept with my mom for the following years, but it wasn't until I began high school that I first experienced what I later called "touch dreams" or what is more commonly known as sleep paralysis. I felt my legs levitating and being pulled up by a presence. Thankfully, I did not have any other touch dreams during that period of my life. Although my high school years were literally a living nightmare, it apparently did not affect my sleep, but that definitively changed after my first psychotic episode at the age of 19. I was beginning to stay awake all night and sleep during the day around that time and, one month after having gone through that first breakdown, I woke up again in the middle of the night and felt my body completely paralyzed. There was a presence again and it was immobilizing me. It gave me a kiss and smiled malignantly. I could not see his face, but it felt like it was a demon. 

After that, the sleep paralysis became almost permanent and happened very often. With my sleeping hours completely shifted from night to daytime, and all the chaos that adapting to a whole new variety of unknown symptoms and meds implied, it all felt like a dead end. Sleeping during the day seemed to feed back the sleep paralysis, while these touch dreams were the underlying cause of the worsening of my schizophrenia symptoms, so it was all like a self-destructive cycle I didn't know how to escape from. One thing I have always felt very fortunate about is that I have barely struggled with hallucinations ever since I fell ill. I have never heard voices up to the present day, and I've only had visual and tactile hallucinations precisely while I'm having these sleep paralysis episodes. I read somewhere that, to diagnose someone with schizophrenia, you need to have at least one or two of the positive symptoms list (hallucinations, delusions or disorganized thinking), but the hallucinations need to happen when the person is completely awake and not during the falling asleep or waking up moment, which is the only time I've experienced these hallucinations; so, I guess that, in my case, it was the delusions that led the doctors to finally switch the diagnosis from an unspecified non-organic psychosis into paranoid schizophrenia, although I have struggled with disorganized thinking as well, which would make two of the positive symptoms needed to get a schizophrenia diagnosis. 

Whatever the case may be, I knew that sleep paralysis was making my schizophrenia symptoms worse, so I had to do something about it, and I did. It took me years to adapt into sleeping at night instead of during daytime, but after a long time of fighting this insomnia problem of mine, with on and off periods of sleeping during the day, I finally got to do it when I began taking a sleeping pill before going to bed. It's just a pill made of herbs and a little melatonin that you can get at the pharmacy without prescription, so it's not very strong, but it has helped me to regulate my sleep for the past two years now, and I haven't had the sleep paralysis episodes as often as before. Just once or twice a month and less intense as I get to sleep better at night.  

 

SONGWRITING AND PRODUCTION 

I wrote this song after watching the movie A Nightmare on Elm Street. Partially inspired by the movie and the sleep paralysis concept as some Freddy Krueger metaphor, I began to think how cool it would be to write a song about hunting down the monster and tables being turned around. On the other hand, I have a stalker that follows every step I take on the Internet and writes mean things about me and my music, trying to keep me from following that path and uploading new music. Although I'm aware that this happens to almost everyone online, especially after COVID, where fake news and profiles have become something normal, unfortunately, I still have an idea of who this person or these people may be, cause behind the machines and bots there are always a human beings, so I decided to write the lyrics of Your Living Nightmare about this issue. It's extremely coward to hide behind fake profiles to attack other people and I feel sorry for those who do, cause just like my song says, "There is no escape from the truth", meaning that doing that is just proof of the person's lack of values and, sooner or later, they'll have to face the truth; they'll have to face themselves and all the hate they have spread. 

For the production, I began creating the instrumental with MIDI files, as usual. Later, I decided to add real electric guitars on the track, although I'm not an experienced guitar player, as I explained in a previous post. The verses, being abrupt and heavy as they are, were curiously easier to play and record than the arpeggios and rhythms from the pre-choruses and choruses, which I mixed with some other MIDI sounds. Since the vocals and harmonies are more prominent in this song, the instrumental is simple, but pretty rocker and effective as well. I really like the result, both as a composition and as a production with powerful vocals. 

MOVIE RECOMMENDATION - A Nightmare on Elm Street

I began watching horror movies at a very young age. I remember that one of my favorites as a child was Poltergeist. I would watch it repeatedly on an old video tape that also had recorded a Disney club episode and the ending of The Exorcist. Clearly, a strange genre combination for any other normal kid out there, but not for me. I did not only like the whole dark and grotesque aesthetic turned into something artistic, like Halloween is for children, but I would also find comfort in the villain's narratives or backstories sometimes, for that was how I felt on the inside, like an outcast or an outsider. Not that I wanted to be the villain or evil to win, but knowing I was not supposed to watch and enjoy those movies and yet doing so, was like some kind of rebellious way I had to tell the world that I was different, and it was ok. It also had something to do with adrenaline, like the one you get onto a rollercoaster, but from an audiovisual stimulation. That's what happened when I first watched the movie Scream, which made my love for horror movies grow even more, particularly the slasher sub-genre, and led me into searching for more information about Wes Craven and his works.  

Although Freddy Krugger was already very popular back then, and I had seen Freddy vs. Jason at the theatre, I had not actually watched the other movies yet. It wasn't until years later, when I bought a DVD pack of the entire franchise (the first seven films), that I could get to watch them and I really had a great time doing it. Unlike the Halloween franchise or Friday the 13th's and without discrediting those films, I like how A Nightmare on Elm Street is way more original when it comes to the killings and the background scenes, since they take place in dreams and, therefore, there's plenty of room for the scriptwriters and production designers to let their imagination go. The way every death is related to the character personality is simply great, and I love that Freddy is not just one more villain with a knife, but one that thinks through each victim weakness and attacks them based on that, with a touch of dark humor too. Another thing that characterizes these films, following this whole nightmarish scenery, is their practical special effects. Some of them look very cool and have a distinctive special enchant, considering that they were made in the 80s and 90s. My favorite entries in the franchise are the fifth (The Dream Child), the third (The Dream Warriors) and, of course, the first one, the original. 

Wes Craven's 1984 classic is clearly one the best slasher movies ever made and the one that consecrated him as one of the best horror filmmakers of his generation, after his first two movies, The Last House on The Left and The Hills Have Eyes. Not only he directed the film, but he was the creator and scriptwriter as well, which is clearly the best aspect of A Nightmare on Elm Street: the idea behind it. He told in an interview that he was inspired by an article he read about a teenager who didn't want to go to bed because he thought he might die in his sleep. On the other hand, the inspiration behind Freddy Krugger came from seeing an actual person through the window as child. A man with a hat who tried to scare him. You just need an article and a brief experience in your life to turn it into a whole other universe, that's all it takes. And some imagination, of course, but at core, it all comes down to basic concepts, and you get to create one of the most iconic horror movies ever made. However, Craven film has some flaws too, especially the ones related to the lack of budget. Some scenes are very well-shot and look terrifying as hell, like Nancy's high school nightmare or Glen's death, but some others, like Tina's chasing in the alleyway or Rod's death, denote this mentioned lack of budged, and yet the film remains as one of the best horror independent movies ever made, along with Halloween or The Blair Witch Project. 

I have just watched the whole franchise again to write this post, including Freddy vs Jason and the 2010 remake, and I was thinking that it's strange how it's been 15 years already without a new take on the story. I don't really follow the news about it on the Internet, but I hope they make another movie someday, even if it's without Robert Englund. At least, I would really enjoy seeing a new one. In the meantime, we can always keep on watching the old entries. One of the best horror franchises ever, undoubtedly. 

ALBUM RECOMMENDATION (Shinedown - Threat to Survival)

As someone who began listening to music as a mere hobby and found out later that it was part of its true nature, I've come to realize that the more experienced you get in your journey as a musician, the less judgmental you become about other people talents and skills, as opposed to what happens to your musical taste, which gets more and more specific and selective while you advance and discover new singers and bands. I remember that, at first, I leaned towards a rather generic pop style and, little by little, started to pay more attention to some rocker and more aggressive sounds, for they probably felt more in sync with what I was going through in my life. And although I'm still fond of all type of genres, such as dance, hip-hop or rap, if I had to choose a favorite, it would be rock without a shadow of a doubt. Rock and roll runs in my veins. I may not be a huge fan of heavy metal, but I still prefer a good electric guitar sound combined with a powerful voice over other softer music, because I feel it's the most effective and convincing way of making a clear statement and sending a message to the world that could make a real difference. At least, that's how I feel when I listen to rock music and that's what happened to me when I first heard Shinedown song State of my Head. It sounded in a fan made video of the Joker movie and, as soon as I heard it, I had to know who they were. 

Ever since then, I have been discovering new music from them. I haven't listened to their full discography yet, just a few songs from some albums, but I do have listened entirely to Threat to Survival and it goes straight to my top list of rock and roll albums. This record is pure fire and energy. Brent Smith's voice is extremely powerful, and it evokes a soul music spirit that I just love. It reminds me a little of other great band singers like Dan Reynolds, of Imagine Dragons, or Eddie Anthony, of The Score. He clearly possesses an enormous vocal range, for some of the notes he sings, not only in the main vocals, but in most of the backing tracks, are extremely high and hard to hit with chest voice, and he manages to do it effortlessly. The electric guitars sound amazing as well. I cannot elaborate more about this because I don't really know much about electric guitars. I simply know that I love how they've been produced for this record and that it's a sound that I would like to achieve for my own songs. I'm still exploring and trying to find myself in that terrain, so I'm no expert at all or, at least, not as much as with other matters related to the voice or the composition, which leads me to next point: the songwriting. Unlike other albums I've reviewed before, where the lyrics were better than the melodies or the other way around, I think that, in this case, they're both equally great. I like how the aggressiveness of the epic music fits in with the raw honesty of the words and I relate deeply to the messages and ideas that they express. Songs like Dangerous or the earlier mentioned State of my Head are very motivating and encouraging. Others like Cut the Cord, How Did You Love or Asking for It feel rather claiming and demanding and, the last tracks on the record are more about a romantic relationship.  

All in all, a notorious contribution to modern rock that any rock and roll lover out there will undoubtedly enjoy. 

Favorite songs: Asking for It, Cut the Cord, State of my Head, How Did You Love, It All Adds Up and Dangerous. 

2. If I Killed Myself

BACKSTORY 

I think that the first time I ever struggled with suicide ideation was in 8th Grade. There was a boy in my class who would make fun of me constantly and, even though it wasn't physical abuse, thankfully, it still affected me in a very bad way. I remember one day, right after getting home from high school, I locked myself in the bathroom and began to entertain the thought, like something that was hidden in the back of my mind and wanted to get out somehow, but I couldn't allow myself to. So, all I did was repeating to myself that I could not and I should never do that, in a kind of survival and denial mode at the same time. That boy left high school during the first days of the following course, and I remember he tried to make amends somehow before leaving, so I'm not blaming him, or not only him, for what happened, but the truth is that, once you conceive such ideation, it gets stuck with you and you kind of have to learn how to deal with it as it evolves with the passing of time.  

The next time I had this ideation was on the first day of 10th Grade and it happened very abruptly. I had begun to smoke pot during that summer and never laughed out loud so hard in my life but, of course, it was a fake happiness, for nothing had really changed about the bullying situation, so, that day coming back to high school, after having had the best laughs of my life but, then again, having to face a reality that was far from ideal, hit me like a bucket of cold water. I broke down and began to cry during playground, and that's when the prodromal phase of my illness began. I became extremely apathetic and roamed high school like a zombie for the following years. Somehow, my bullies noticed and stopped attacking me a little, but the pain and hopelessness had already invaded my body and my mind in ways I could had never imagined, so it was probably too late to stop the illness from spreading. 

 

Later on, there's been other moments of having suicidal thoughts, like when I went through my first heartbreak at the age of 17, which made me fall into a severe depression and had to ask for psychological help myself even before knowing I would have the first psychotic episode two years later, which also brought back more ideation. In general, the aftermath of every episode entails some ideation. I've had three episodes so far, the last two of which were due to a consensual decision of trying to go off meds, for the doctors were not sure whether my psychosis was caused only by the marihuana addiction or it was an actual schizophrenia, so they had to be certain about this before switching the diagnosis, which is what happened in 2021 during my last episode. Thankfully, I have never been hospitalized, for I have not shown signs of violent behavior during these episodes, but as I said, the ideation stays with you forever and you always must be very careful about that. 

SONGWRITING AND PRODUCTION 

The idea behind this song was conceived long before trying the horror movie method I've been using this last year for my new album. I think it was 2010 when it first occurred to me to write a song about bullying and suicide. Back then, I was highly inspired by the following two songs: Hello of Evanescence and For You Only of Trading Yesterday, both sad and melancholic ballads. In fact, you may slightly notice some similarities between the melody of the verses of my song and Trading Yesterday's, without being an exact copy, obviously. I sometimes use some existing melodies as a reference and then mold them into my own song, for it's very hard to create something completely new and original from scratch.

So, with that melody running through my head and inspired by another great Evanescence ballad, Missing, I began to write the lyrics of the verse, which led me to create a melody for the intro and the pre-choruses and choruses. The final instrumental ended up being so beautiful that I decided to keep the melodies of some parts as the melodies for the lyrics and main vocals. I know producers don't usually do this, for it's probably too obvious, but it's something I've made with some of my songs in the past and, although I admit it actually is an easy recourse, I just couldn't resist doing it again with this song and I think the result is pretty satisfying. I just can't imagine this song in a different way.