4. It's All a Lie

BACKSTORY 

As a kid, I always felt detached from religion, and everything related to the concept of Jesus Christ. I went to a religious school, and I hated that we always had to say a prayer at the beginning of our lessons and right before leaving. Later, I switched to a public school when I was 7 years old because they closed the other one and, although we did not have to say any prayers there, we were still taught religion, which was my least favorite subject along with physical education. It wasn't until High School that, as students, we were given the choice of an alternative subject called 'ethics', which was a change I went for as soon as it was offered.  

However, I prayed when I was being bullied. I felt so desperate that I needed something to believe in. I remember that when I began to smoke pot, I would get out to the balcony at night, so that my parents could not smell it, and I would look at the sky and use the word 'Lord' repeatedly. 'Why, Lord? Why me?' Over and over again. Suddenly, I was recurring on that thing I had been trying to escape as a child. I just couldn't conceive of a world that was so evil and poisonous, where some needed to feed on other people's insecurities like mine. So, I prayed and prayed on that balcony during that period of my life for things to get better, hoping someday they would if I could finally get to move into the city. Little did I know that the answer to that 'why' I had been asking to the night sky for so long, would arrive disguised as a psychotic break, that would later develop into a mental illness named schizophrenia. 

Although there seems to be a connection between schizophrenia and religion, I never believed I was Jesus Christ myself during my first psychotic episode. I believed it was quite the opposite, actually. I thought I was the antichrist. I had been so repressed my whole life by my surroundings that it made me develop this hate and inner homophobic feelings towards myself without being aware, and I was so deeply immersed in such state that it took me years and years to get to identify those patterns and learn how to reverse them little by little.  

  

SONGWRITING 

This song is about these so-called delusions of mine related to the idea of the Illuminati cult and the manipulation and slaving that they've been supposedly inflicting on society for a long time now. I always felt like something was off in this world, but ever since the COVID pandemic struck our realities, it all seems to have inevitably become more obvious. The evolution of AI, fake news increasing day by day, social media used as a distraction from what is really happening... it all just seems staged to me. The world is curiously becoming more schizophrenic than ever, but at the same time, I think it's meant to happen this way, to become exposed. It seems like they're fighting against the whole Jesus Christ concept and they're using the LGBT community for it somehow. I am gay and I've been struggling my whole life to be accepted and respected for being a compassionate and non-violent human being, and it's obvious to me that homophobes, racists, misogynists and people in general who don't accept that we are all different and equal at the same time, need to be reprimanded about it, but if there's something else I am certain of, is that I don't like lies and manipulation, and all the chaos and conflicts that are taking place in the world right now feel like a big lie to me. I don't think it's a matter of taking sides, I think every human being has to fight their own battles, but if there are people in power who are using this in order to achieve their own interests and not the ones that benefit us all as equals, we should be aware of that. 

  

One of my theories is that maybe there is a real connection between schizophrenia and religion or Jesus Christ. As I explained in the beginning of this post, I've never felt related to the whole Christianity morals and stuff, but I never chose to be schizophrenic either and yet it happened. I obviously don't believe I'm Jesus, but when you are told and treated as if you did, you start to believe there might be some connection. Maybe it's in our DNA somehow. Or maybe it is just a delusion. Whatever the case is, it has sort of made me realize that my mission is to try not to kill myself ever. I guess that should be everyone's mission, to not kill anyone, even if it's themselves, and I'm not trying to demonize suicide or euthanasia at all either, I believe that if someone is in real pain, they should be given the choice to leave this place through the least painful method available, and we should be compassionate about it, but if this delusion of mine has led me to believe that my schizophrenia is not a death sentence, but a reason to fight and learn something about my nature and teach it to the rest of the world at the same time, I'd rather be a little more delusional than skeptic sometimes. 

PRODUCTION 

This track did not experience many changes from the demo to the master. The instrumental remained practically the same. I did record some real guitars for it and added a bassline as well, but I'm still getting familiar with the process of producing my own compositions from scratch and crafting them with all the necessary arrangements. I was not used to adding basses before, since I didn't know much about the instrument, and I did not pay much attention to the drums either, so now I'm slowly learning to give them the character needed for each piece. The vocals and the harmonies I'm very proud of. I feel like I've improved so much since I began making music years ago, and I think it's probably the best aspect of my productions currently.